Several days ago, as I was arriving at work and just about to step into the elevator, a man who works in another office in my building arrived at the exact same moment. We each did a couple of fits and starts, trying to negotiate through body language who should go first. Then, he graciously stepped back, threw open his arm toward the elevator, and said, “You go first.”
Chivalry is not dead, I started thinking to myself as I climbed on board the elevator.
Then he added, “It’s the woman’s burden. You always have to go first.”
I laughed, mostly because I wasn’t sure how else to respond to such a nonchivalrous comment. And then I said something polite and demure, like “yes, I suppose you’re right.”
But the comment stuck with me throughout the day, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized how NOT right he was. In a world where gender roles are blurry to the point of confusion, these small social courtesies that allow for the very real differences between men and women are less a burden and more a necessity. A privilege even.
Issues of masculinity and femininity are becoming more and more newsworthy as women assume roles of leadership in politics, government, cultural and educational institutions, and religion. But the inclusion or exclusion of women from such roles does not change the definition of femininity. Or masculinity, for that matter. Who we are as men and women is something much deeper, more integral to our being.
In a time when messages about womanhood often try to persuade me to feel either exploited or empowered, and when my day to day activities as a single woman often leave me feeling genderless, I decided to be encouraged that a man would offer me a spot on the elevator first simply because I’m a lady.
Even if he didn’t actually say it that way.
Spaghettipie — Good thoughts on the various aspects of God as both feminine and masculine. By creating both male and female in his image, he wasn’t claiming neutrality, but mystery and complexity. I think we find the same characteristics in trying to define masculinity and femininity among us.
Craver — I like your encouragement that it wouldn’t cost someone to try to honor others. Unfortunately, this issue can become a matter of pride, which is much different than honor in this case. Women and men can both have too much pride when it comes to acknowledging differences.
I started dating my husband because he held a door open for me when I was moving into my dorm…
I totally agree that we live in an age where we totally blur the line between genders, even going so far as to try to create some sort of “gender neutrality”. That causes us to ignore that there are characteristics of God (and therefore something to be learned) highlighted by both and we miss out on getting to know Him more.
It’s about giving honor. And the funny thing about giving it away, is that the more one practices bestowing honor upon others, the more honorable he becomes. That goes for how we treat ladies, the elderly.
And do you know what else? It seems to me that this principle even works when one bestows honor upon people who do not deserve it.
If I could encourage a young man in this, I would say, “It won’t cost you anything to just try it.”
Charity, I think it’s both. We are made special by God and all that is true about that is strengthened and sanctified through Christ, maybe not in terms as what I speak, though culture can have its place in expressing our persons (though, of course, that’s not always good).
Ted — How do you think our oneness in Christ brings out our differences? Too often I hear about our oneness in Christ eliminates the differences.
Mark — I loved the interview with Bonnie. In fact, I realize from the thread of this discussion that my post took a different turn than I had planned. I really was thinking less about the social graces of men and women, and more about how we should consider the larger issues of gender and sex from a Christian perspective. And more than that, does it even matter in our present culture?
Stacy — Interesting comment about Texas. I think my rural upbringing in Indiana also provided some of the manners I’ve described. How we act, however, is just a part of our womanhood or manhood. There’s something more intrinsic. How do you talk with your boys about this?
LL — I agree. I’m still not sure what he meant. Though Mark’s comment makes sense. I also was thinking that he may have felt it was a burden for women to be stuck in a patriarchal society that views them as weaker. I’m not sure he was thinking on that level, though.
I think he was talking about the pedestal problem. If I put my wife on a pedestal, she can’t be a real person in the same way. Maybe he meant going first all the time puts women on a pedestal.
I don’t know.
Reading this made me wonder what you would think of Bonnie Wurzbacher’s interview on TheHighCalling.org. (She’s a VP at Coca-Cola.)
Charity, Yes. We should value the gift of both femininity and masculinity. Both are needed to fill the image of God in this world.
I think a man’s desire to honor and protect a woman is God-given, as well as the woman’s desire to please man. And other things. More than just culturally driven.
And our oneness in Christ as well as the barriers that shatters does not negate but rather brings out those differences all the more, as we become more human.
I do wonder how always going first might be a burden. That’s a curious statement he made.
You know what I miss about living in Texas? Just this very thing. I completely miss walking up to a department store and a man taking a few quicker steps so that he can hold the door open for me. Or tipping their hats in greeting. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I lived in another state for awhile and came back to visit. It’s something I am working to instill in my boys. Being a gentleman. I think it’s still important.