Christmas was a wonderful time for me to spend with family this year, and having just had my third chemotherapy treatment, I felt remarkably well enough to enjoy much of the usual fare: gift exchanges, holiday treats, and Christmas movies.
For as well as I felt over the weekend, I have increasingly become more and more fatigued, and as of yesterday, I discovered through a blood test that my white blood cell count has bottomed out. This means my risk of infection is high, and if I do develop a virus or infection, my body does not have the resources to fight it. So, my oncology nurse has ordered me to stay home this weekend, away from all the germs and bacteria.
Not that I feel much like getting out, anyway.
The timing of my white blood cell count bottoming out has corresponded ironically with my soul feeling sort of bottomed out. As much as I enjoyed Christmas with my family, I felt a little cold toward Jesus. Nausea and fatigue, though not horrible, feel a little overwhelming by their constant drain. I don’t know that I’m looking for a “normal” life. Most days I’d be happy just to feel like doing my own laundry. Jesus could do something about this couldn’t he?
My spiritual malaise has been complemented by my lack of desire to pray and read the Bible. So this morning, in an effort to show Jesus I care just a little, I pulled out the prayer book and found Psalm 18 suitably assigned for today. When I got there, I felt rewarded for my little effort by words like, “You protect me with salvation-armor; you hold me up with a firm hand, caress me with your gentle ways. You cleared the ground under me so my footing was firm,” and “I love you, God— you make me strong,” and “I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved.”
The words didn’t make me feel better, necessarily. But they did help me feel understood. Once again I found my Lord allowing me to express disappointment and grief, and then dealing with me lovingly. He is, afterall, a man acquainted with sorrows.
And then, with my heart feeling a little more alive again, I read these words from Michael Card from A Sacred Sorrow, which captured exactly what is happening in my heart.
“I acknowledge before You, Lord, the glaring gap in the difference between what I feel and what I believe. Right now, I feel like you don’t really care. So many situations in my life are out of control. Why don’t You just fix them? So much in and around me hurts right now. Why don’t you just heal them? Were I willing to take more time to pray, I’m feeling right now that from my side of things, this could become a shouting business. DO SOMETHING!
“But, You have already done something, haven’t you? You did what it took to become familiar with all the sorrows I feel pressing in on me even this very moment. You felt the gap between what You felt and what You believed, didn’t You? Jesus, I’m so sorry I said You didn’t care. Is there anything I could say that would have caused you more pain than that? You didn’t come to fix things for me, did You? You came to join me. Thank You. Would You, in the sacrament of this moment, enter right now into the holy of holies that is my hurt? Come in, not to fix but to simply be present. Be Immanuel inside that sacred, hurting place, even if it’s for only a few precious moments.”
So, I keep going, telling this little story of mine. Cancer and white blood cell counts and discouraged hearts and prayerless days will come and go, but Jesus is with me for good.
this really really encouraged me…His entering in to my bottoming out. Thanks so much…I will treasure these words!
Thank you so much for your honesty and how real you are about things.
Yours is a living faith.
Mary Z.
thinking of you, sweetie
Really sorry to hear about the counts. You are having solitude visited upon you without asking for it, at a most difficult time. I found myself praying for you today because of this. Praying for His special presence with you.
Love… LL
Checking in on you. Thank you, Charity, for your thoughts and revelations. I am grateful to know of you and your circumstances. A prayer is winging its way to the Lord on your behalf. There’s only one way to go from the bottom! Peace, Kim
Hi Charity! I’m thinking about you today!
Thank you for telling the story of your trust and God’s faithfulness even when we bottom out and can’t see how we can trusting God who isn’t making a difference in the way we feel we so desperately need.
He is faithful. He is loving. He understands. Even when I’m weak and apathetic towards Him or angrily lashing out. I wish I knew better how and what to pray for you (besides, “God, make it all better. Please?”), but I’m grateful to you for keeping us posted on your story and God’s faithfulness in the ups and downs.
Charity
I rejoice when I read your posts because the grace of God overflows in your life, even in the most challenging of times.
Thanks for trusting your Savior and His written word.
charity…thanks for sharing. reading your posts brings to mind that in the Gospels, Jesus never turned away anyone that came to Him for healing…He spent much of his time healing and told his disciples to do the same. God always provided healing for Israel, provided they followed His commands. As Jesus told the centurion, “as you have believed, so be it unto you.” and the woman with the issue of blood..”be of good cheer..you’re faith has made you well.”
Read the gospels and note everytime Jesus healed someone..He wants you well…if you’d like to talk more about this, email me at mink30@juno.com
love to you and yours
dominica
Charity, thank you for sharing so intimately and clearly. It is truly refreshing. Thanks for sharing a piece of the sacred with us today.
Rest well my friend. Let those white blood cells grow and multiply and come next week I hope you are well on your way to recovery.
Charity,
My first thought upon reading this was,”This is how Mary felt when Joseph came back to the donkey for the umpteenth time sadly saying, “No rooms here either.”
He’s trying to be optimistic and strong for her.
She’s trying to keep her own stiff upper lip because she wants to live up to the “Highly Favored Among Women” title, and she sees Joseph’s concern and weariness. She also knows she’s about to truly bottom out, both physically and emotionally. This baby is about to be born…
Nothing and no one is giving her a break. Not even her own body. Not even this Child of the Father, whom she’s carrying. No breaks whatsoever.
And yet… (wow) from a spiritual perspective this bottoming out experience was the ordained path by which God would give His creation the ultimate “break”.
Eventually Mary treasured up all these things in her heart.
Eventually.
She bottomed out first.
(This is an amazing personal bunny trail that I will now go and think on off-blog, in order to keep your head from spinning. 😉 )
BTW (I’m so glad you like parenthesis. I know that I can use them freely here now. It’s like taking my shoes off and making myself at home.) (And yeah, let’s just tell ourselves that it’s an indicator of our high critical thinking skills. That way it sounds quite flattering.)
Charity,
Profound – that’s the only word to describe it. We all have our trials to walk through. Thanks for reminding me that Christ never promised to take them all away. Instead, he promised to be with us in the midst of them.
Michelle
did that last sentence make any sense at all.
hum…i mean that when i pray that i will ask for the Holy Spirit to say the prayer for me that is about you. i guess that might me better. you already know my writing skills…not to hot.
i wish so much that parts of life did not have to be so hard.
i will pray and ask that the Holy Spirit will pray for me about you.
I echo the sentiment: thank you for sharing the truth of where you are. That part about Him coming to join us is really powerful. I am so inspired by the perspective you continue to choose to take, as difficult as I am sure it is for you to choose. Love to you, continually.
Charity,
Thanks so much for telling that. Praying for you.
I too identify with what you say here. Everyday probably I go through low periods where head and heart aren’t together. Much easier for me to not live on feelings, for the most part, since I largely am healthy.
But your point, no matter what, Emmanuel. So good and important. Thanks too for sharing that from Michael Card. That’s surely such an important truth that can all but be lost, in the sea of many voices. Back to God’s word and prayer, as you say.
Being made aware of the presence of Immanuel. Those indeed are precious moments. And that gap between what we feel and what we believe… I expect that heaven will not continue to serve that paradox.
Still praying, Sis.