Yesterday, I found out that my white blood count is back to normal — 4000! It made a dramatic improvement after a week of staying in the house. I left my property once in 8 days, and then only stayed in the car as I went with a couple of friends to get take out. Needless to say, I was getting a little stir crazy. But I’m thankful to have been at home rather than the hospital. Thanks to all of you for praying, calling, sending me emails, and keeping me encouraged during this time.
Now that I have a normal white blood cell count, it’s made me realize how elusive “normal” is. My white blood cell count of 4000 falls within a normal “range,” which means I could be a little lower or a lot higher and still be normal. This is true of most medical tests. In other words, there really isn’t one normal to shoot for.
If I can remember that this is also true in most of life, I would be a lot more content on a day to day basis. The problem with wishing for normal is that I don’t usually think in terms of a range. What I usually mean when I want life to get back to normal is actually that I want Jesus to make my life perfect. I have one idea of what normal is, and when life isn’t hitting it, then I am disappointed. Disappointed not just with life, but with Jesus. And this hasn’t been a new problem since I was diagnosed with cancer.
This week I am doing my own laundry, cooking my own food, visiting friends, working every day — what could be more normal than that? Just because I haven’t driven a car in two weeks, don’t have any hair, and get injected with two days of chemicals every three weeks doesn’t mean that my life isn’t generally falling within the normal range.
Such good news, Charity!
Still praying for you as I drive through the snowy countryside every morning on my way to work.
May His love cover over you like the pure snow blankets every exposed branch, every reaching pine needle. And may you feel the good weight of His everlasting love, Charity.
Thank you for your love for us in being so open, for sharing your struggles and your victories.
With you.
You said, “I have one idea of what normal is, and when life isn’t hitting it, then I am disappointed. Disappointed not just with life, but with Jesus. And this hasn’t been a new problem since I was diagnosed with cancer.”
Oh, Charity. I, too, have been disappointed with God lately, and more so in myself for not allowing Him to strengthen me through it. Not trusting Him with MY ALL. But my reasons, by comparison, are rather small. But what I can say, in the midst of my deep disappointment, Jesus continues to show me that He is working for my good for Him. For His glory, not my own. For the lives of the lost he places across my path through the things that disappoint me. I pray for the Holy Spirit to fill up my gaps, and I pray the same for you. I know you love Him and He knows it too. I also remember that Jesus cried out to his father, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me.” Even the most perfect human to walk the earth cried out in disappointment in God’s plans for Him…and He knew the ending.
Lord, I pray for an extra measure of strength for Charity as she walks out this life for you. Wrap her in your everlasting arms and love her up good. We thank you that you accept our pain and disappointment as well as our praises. You are God. We are yours. You are our Purpose. In Jesus name, amen
Praying for you, sister.
hi charity!
Dear Charity–
I am SO happy to hear that your white count is up….my heart and my prayers are with you. May God hold you close and continue to carry you through this time….
(remember, Footprints in the Sand!)
Hugs, Michelle Kiger
What a great way to start the week, knowing that you are healing so well. I am glad that the radiation is over and that the chemo seems to be working.
Hang in there, in a few months we all hope and pray this will be nothing but a distant memory!
I have always heard that depression is the difference between our expectations and reality. If we have perfectionistic expectations (yes, I do all the time!!) then I can count on disillusionment, anger, frustration, sadness. I want to be content with the reality of living in a fallen world and yet knowing this isn’t the final word.
Charity
Excellent news. I note the joy and encouragement in your post and I rejoice with you.
Yes, Charity. The older I get and go along in life, the more I realize that things are out of wack and so normal for me includes the prayer for God’s kingdom to come in this present life, world and existence. I just see normal here as incredibly abnormal, and not the shalom, or “Not the Way it’s Supposed to Be”- C. Plantinga.
But what you’re getting at is also true. We do have a certain expectation about how things should go around us, and from us, and when that’s not met we’re most unhappy. I think I’m growing when that’s tempered more and more with the grace and truth found in Jesus and in the ongoing narrative of God at work even now, in the world.
So good to hear from you. I read this on our daughter’s laptop yesterday. Am praying.
The gap between the now and the not yet… you’ve described it to a tee (tea?). Glad to hear that life is a little more normal.
Michelle
I never thought about it quite like this… that we’re not looking for normal but perfect. But that’s what Card suggests is our longing for God’s perfect care, yes? So maybe the longing isn’t so bad, but the expectation for how it will play out in this life is misguided.
good to see your post!