I read my last post and see the irony that I was worried about too much good news — that I might lose my perspective and forget that we live in a fallen world. It’s ironic now because this past week has been very hard. I’ve been weak and achy. Some days I didn’t get dressed. And the nausea. Oh the nausea. It got so bad last week I was glad I didn’t know any marijuana dealers. Because if the drug is as good at taking away nausea as I have heard, I would have been tempted.
On Thursday when I had just about reached the end of myself, I found myself feeling like I might have reached the end of God. Why aren’t you helping me, I cried out with tears. And because I knew I was getting into dangerous territory, I called my friend Kelly and asked her to speak truth to me. To remind me that God is bigger than cancer, and that even nausea can be turned for good in His redemptive plan. She talked me off the ledge, we laughed, I had courage again and remembered that, indeed, God is good all the time.
When I was through the danger zone — both physically and spiritually — and I was sitting in a worship service singing with confidence about God’s faithfulness and provision, I thought again of the metaphor of this struggle with cancer as a chapter in the story of my life, of which I am not the author but simply the narrator.
I imagined a reader, picking up this unfinished book of my life and getting to this chapter. I even imagined her landing on the pages describing this past week and staying up into the wee hours of the morning eager to see what will happen. It feels that uncertain to me at times, as though the reader might want to peak into the last pages of the book. Not to ruin the ending, but just to see if my name is there. To see if I make it.
Then I realized I sometimes wonder the same thing myself. Am I going to make it through this chapter of my life? Not just physically, though I continue to wonder that, too. But spiritually. Am I going to remain faithful to Jesus even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death?
I am trusting God that his words in Philippians 1:6 are true even when I struggle. “There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.” (The Message) And though I can’t get a sneak peak of the end of the story, I can trust God’s faithfulness to carry me even when my faith is weak.
this is a precious post, friend. i go through questioning and doubt and always wonder how in the world am I going to finish this race. And I am always brought back to Phil. 1:6 too and realize He has to finish this race in me…the Author and Finisher of my faith! It reminds me of my utter dependence, His grace and mercy, and my need for the Body. A vulnerable place to be…but not an alone place to be.
I heard you are under the weather. Praying that the virus will go away soon! Love, LL.
Charity,
Sometimes I wonder at myself too, just how well I’ll really make it, and actually how well I’m really making it right now! And I certainly don’t have the trouble you have.
Requires grace all the way, that’s for sure. No matter what: grace.
Am praying. And so sorry I was slow to find this post this week. Hope your evening this evening is blessed with something good and encouraging to you.
Charity
A faithful, biblical friend is a wonderful gift. I’m so glad you have Kelly to lean on, to have truth spoken to your heart. It reminds me of what I’ve heard someone say about their need for godly counsel –
“I don’t need new, I need true and I need it from you”
God is writing a beautiful chapter in your life – it will be good for you and bring glory to Him. In fact, it already is.
you have such an inspirational faith, charity, because you have such a tender and wonder-filled heart. i see you taking in life and all that comes with it with such open hands. even the hard stuff. and you do it with such grace.
the part you wrote about a reader picking up your book and getting to this chapter and staying up all night to just keep reading, reading, reading, because she has to know what ends up happening . . . i really identified with that (because i have BEEN that reader so often!). it helped make how you are feeling and how you are viewing this chapter of your life really come alive for me.
i was also really moved and saddened to read the part where you were asking yourself the question: will you make it? it makes me sad to even think the negative could ever be true. and i was filled with such an awareness of how we don’t get to know these things. all we get is this moment.
You always inspire me and make me think deeply. Thank you
hi charity
i was just stopping by to say hello…and here you went a did a posting! i am sorry for the struggle and i am glad you have Kelly to call. and i am glad to see you writing here. it is alwasys good to see another post from you.
God will hold on to you. you have people praying for you.
If you are ever in need of making a call, I am not to far for a phone call. I would like to talk to you sometime anyway.
Charity, you are growing through all this, that is the good news. God is using this to grow you and those readers of this blog!
thanks for sharing.
(Oops. Wrong blogger sign-in! No matter anymore. People know how to find me. đ
Look up, open your mouth, catch an icy flake. Let it melt on your tongue. Or just lie down and let it all fall gently on your face and lashes.
Sighing over here. This is hard. Very hard.
I’m sitting watching the snow come down very steadily and thinking this is where you are right now. Winter, not knowing what spring will look like and where and how it will bloom.
Love to you..
–L.L.
Charity, you are such an inspiration!
Thank God for Kelly. Hey, how come nobody ever calls for Craver? “Dude, I’m in a bad spot, I could really use Craver right now…” C’mon, doesn’t anybody think I could be helpful.
Three weeks ago, I visited a friend who just had an operation. We talked a little, but he didn’t have any food, so I left.
What.
đ