After many prayers, conversations, appointments, and tears, the Lord is beginning to ease my anxiety somewhat. Mostly, He has done this through His word, His truth. And I am beginning to embrace the uncertainty of my life as a gift from Him again. A gift he gives us to refine our faith and cause us to trust him more. He particularly used the end of the third chapter of Philippians in my heart this week, reminding me that I am a citizen of heaven from which I am awaiting Jesus, whose power to presently subject all things to himself will one day speak directly to my body for resurrecton. He is in control now; He is in control then.
I also have been reminded through some good news this week that the Lord is writing this story, not me, and there will continue to be plot twists and suprises until the end, whenever that may be. The CT scan I had earlier in the week showed no signs of cancer, and my Cancer Antigen 125 blood protein marker is down to 6, the lowest it’s been and well into the normal range.
When I met with my doctor to discuss these results, he was as positive as he could be. My surgery had been successful to remove all known cancer, I had radiation treatments, he gave me as much chemotherapy as he possibly could because I am young and could handle the toxicity, and I had responded as well as any of his patients had. He acknowledged, of course, that this cancer could come back. But he said we would deal with that if it comes. For now, I need to put these past six months behind me and live my life.
This is easier said than done, as I am sure you can imagine. Right now, I have about a three-month window of the future that I feel I can plan for. And in the sovereignty of God, even that is not guaranteed. But what I am learning over and over through all of this anxiety and fear and good news and hope, is that the Jesus wants me to trust Him. I need to trust Him with my life — each day, each breath — and I need to trust Him with my death — the last day, the last breath. And lean heavily on the promise that through both my life and my death, He is with me.