A week ago today, I was sitting at work performing a rather mundane task when thoughts of the end of my life and the possibility of great suffering overwhelmed me. My eyes filled with tears, and in order to avoid making a scene, I ran to a friend’s office, shut the door, and broke down weeping.
I hadn’t received any bad news and nothing in my condition had changed. In fact, I was feeling pretty good that day and had had a good weekend. What I had not done, however, was renew my mind earlier in the day when I first began to worry about what my last days, whenever they might be, would bring. It started when I chose to listen to a program on National Public Radio about hospice care, and only worsened as I imagined what would happen if my cancer returned.
Gradually, as the day wore on, I imagined my body deteriorating, my family gathered around me as I took my last breath, and a funeral with lots of mourners. I became discouraged thinking of all the things I hadn’t yet accomplished, and became sad as I thought of my friends telling their grandchildren years from now about a woman they had once known. What if they couldn’t even remember my name? As my thoughts continued spinning out of control, I began to feel regret for my life’s mistakes and eventually to doubt whether the Lord was really good since He was letting this suffering happen to me.
Weeping in my friend’s office was only a small sign of the agony I was feeling in my soul. It had started with a thought, just a small little thought, about the end of my life, and ended with me questioning the very character of God. And this is not the only time I have let me thoughts run away so carelessly in the past month. Surgery and radiation and chemotherapy were difficult, but the battle raging in my mind these past few weeks has been almost as tough.
Thankfully, the Lord has been using His word in an important way in my life during this particularly difficult phase. For every thought of despair and desperation, the Lord has a true message of joy and hope. His word doesn’t promise me a long, easy life on earth, but it does promise me I’ll never be alone. When my heart is filled with fear, Jesus promises peace as the world cannot give. And when the future seems uncertain, God’s word reminds me of a certain future with Him in eternity. God’s word has also been reminding me that worry and anxiety have no benefit; they add nothing to me life and can only rob me of my joy and peace. Instead, Jesus asks me to tell Him of my worries and to trust Him for my needs.
Choosing to renew my mind with truth is hard work. I have to guard what goes into my mind, be disciplined to spend time in prayer and study, and be on the alert for fleeting thoughts that can turn into hours of worry. Some days, I am just too lazy for such vigilance. But slowly, as the Lord gives me strength and I yield to the truth, my mind is being trained for this battle. So many of you have played such a key role in this struggle, too: reminding me of truth and speaking it lovingly to me when I need it.
“The Truth is, the Word of God is alive and powerful; it is medicine for troubled hearts and peace for plagued minds. It is a lamp for our feet and a light for our path. Whatever our need, whatever our circumstances, the Word of God is sufficient to meet that need.” –Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free
Wow. Came here via LL Barkat’s blog. What powerful and honest words. I guess that’s why “renewing” is in the tense it is in . . . we’re never truly done are we? Prayers being said for you.
Hey! I just wanted you to know you’re thought of and I prayed for you this week!
I read you in reader a lot, so though I don’t comment much, I’m still here reading and praying. Just thought you should know!
Yes, I am seeing that really grasping the Truth of the Word is mental/emotional life or death for me! I am amazed how I can seem so full of faith and love and trust in the Lord one day and just a few days later I am questioning His goodness, His love, His very existence. If I am continually renewing my mind, I don’t go down the deep dark spiral…I can say “no”, put it off, and put on truth. But it IS work to be vigilant over our thoughts…it really is fighting the good fight of faith. I go up and down. I am seeking to wake up every morning and say “Lord, I surrender”.
I began reading the classic Practicing the Presence today, and for some reason it made me think of you and where you’re at right now.
Love…
LL
Hi Charity,
Renewing the mind…and wow did mine need renewing when I read this post the other day. It seemed simple enough, yet I had not done it.
I realized my day had taken a turn towards selfishness and anger and wasn’t sure why. When I read your post I thought about how earlier that morning I had been speaking poorly to several people about a difficult person in my life. Rather than building them up and edifying them as I am called to do by out Lord. As I repented for this the Lord renewed my mind. As I continued to pray and study, He also brought about a change in the difficult person…making them a little less difficult.
Whew, thanks for ministering to me!
B”H
Hi Charity,
I’m praying for you still. I’m sorry that you had this hard experience. Know that your friends love you and truly care what you’re going through. Thanks for sharing with us even these low and depressing stories, because GOD is at work through it all.
It might be easy to say some trite and pious things right now, but I simply want you to know that you are not forgotten.
Blessings,
Shlomo
Renewing the mind is work, yes. Blessings from this corner as you make your way.
Oh man. Charity, you are writing from the same desolate wilderness of the mind that I have found myself frequently over the last few months. Different circumstances, same desolate wilderness.
The head trips Satan can entice us toward! The depression we can allow ourselves to tumble into!
After a particularly difficult mental day, the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “Take every thought captive. Do not allow what I am doing in you to be run over and turned to dust because you’re entertaining thoughts of the myriad imaginary paths your future might take- none of them good. Make those thoughts your prisoner.”
So, lovely lady, my encouragement to both you and me… take every thought captive. Submit them all to the lordship of Christ. Through the power of Christ, we are able to choose to entertain our minds on more exalted ground.
oh yea…this guy on pnotoblog…where i blog photos…is starting a web site called write2fight.com
and here he talks about in on his photo blog
http://www.photoblog.com/bolder/2008/03/24/write2fightcom.html#comments
just in case you are interested in writing a post there…or reading.
i am reading this and i think that the words of renewing your mind and the promises on our Lord are very important to all who read them.
the quote is good and makes me want to look the book up, as i have not read that one.