I’ve been trying to put together this post for the past week, sitting down to write here and there. And for various reasons, it just hasn’t come together. Today, I am determined to post.

What I’ve been trying to put together in words is the great tension I have been feeling between the elation of life and the dread of death. I’ve felt wimpy and puny and very un-Christian for the fear I’ve been feeling. If heaven is as certain as I claim, then what is there to panic about death? Yet now that it is Spring, the world is so full of life, and my body feels healthy and is getting stronger. Everything in me is crying out to live. Here and now.

I know that somewhere in between this pendulum swing of emotions is the peace that Jesus offers. He wants me to embrace life on earth, to enjoy the gifts that He’s given, to participate fully in relationships and circumstances. But he doesn’t want me to cling too tightly to life here on earth because it is only a shadow of what’s to come. More life!

Some days, with death peering over my shoulder, it’s hard to remember that the desire for life, both this one and the one to come, is from God. But slowly I am finding my way down the narrow path that embraces both lives, and the death that separates them, trusting that Jesus goes with me always.

By the way, my last blood test about a week and a half ago came back completely normal — no sign of cancer at this point. For this, I am thankful.