As far as days go, this has not been a good one.
Around 10:30 this morning, I received word that my cancer has returned.
From every indication, the cancer is just in one 2-cm lymph node somewhere between my belly button and pelvic bone. If that is the case, if the cancer is limited to just this one area, then likely I will have surgery and then radiation. This is the exact course I received three years ago during my first recurrence. If the cancer has spread into other areas, then I will most likely not have surgery and will instead receive chemotheraphy.
A PET scan tomorrow will be the determining factor.
I have cried a river of tears over this news today. Even though my doctors told me years ago that this cancer would most likely come back, I have been cancer-free for so long that we were all starting to breath a sigh of relief. Thankfully, even though I am sure I AM crazy, when it came to tracking down this round of suspicious symptoms, my persistence paid off. Early detection is always a good thing.
I don’t want to have cancer, even cancer that might be manageable. I don’t want to be “the lady with cancer.” I don’t want surgery or radiation, and I certainly don’t want chemotherapy. I don’t want people to have to make meals for me or take care of my dog; I want to do those things myself. I don’t want to be the name on the prayer list at church that makes everyone sad. I want to be the one praying for others.
But since I didn’t get to choose whether or not I have cancer, I WLL choose to accept it. I choose life even in pain. I choose others’ help over isolation. I choose awkward moments over having no one speak to me at all. I choose getting out of bed rather than sinking into depression.
I choose a wobbly faith in a Sovereign God who loves me over cursing God and dying.
I may cry a river a tears, but I pray they will gather in a pool and bring life in a dry season.